“Ken and Barbie sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G,” was the tune many young girls sang as they sat on the floor and played with their toys. Soon after Barbie and Ken’s first kiss – the wedding plans began. In the mind of a young child this act may seem plausible. However, in the mind of a grown woman, this act would ensure devastating results and impending divorce.
While young women are marrying off their dolls off into happily ever after relationships– young men are rolling around in dirt, swinging sticks, climbing trees, throwing rocks, drinking water out the water hose, anything but the concept marriage.
For the most part, men do not even consider the idea of marriage until they find themselves in a position where they cannot live without the woman who is their love interest. Women, in large part, consider every relationship they enter into as a potential wedding in the making.
Alex Wellen, CNN writer, refers to this phenomenon as the “psychological leap.” In his 2009 article, “Do Men Really Want to Get Married?” Wellen explores a father asking his son a simple question regarding the son’s girlfriend “Well, what you think?” This question caused the son to consider many things including the reality of marriage for the first time.
For women, many are approaching marriage with only the thoughts of how the wedding day will look -Who will be the bridesmaids? Wedding planner? Flower girl? A church wedding or a community hall? How will I tell my ex-boyfriend or ex-husband I have moved on? etc.
Women approach marriage by focusing their attention on their wedding day; men approach marriage at the very last minute. So, neither the woman nor the man is prepared for a marriage, but are just one kneeling request away from the “Yes” that sets the stage for the wedding.
Wedding plans are important but they are not the first step. As a matter of fact, wedding plans and announcements should really be the last steps of planning for marriage. Why?
When a couple announces their engagement some people get excited, others become cynical, and some become diamond inspectors , concerned only with the size of the bride’s ring. Everyone wants to participate in the day. Yet, most often no true conversation of what marriage will look like after the wedding day has ever taken place. What if they discover their marriage was a mistake? What if, during the planning stages, they realize this person is not the one? What if they both identify marriage is what they personally are ready for but realize their current partner is just not the one?
This couple now has to consider the embarrassment of announcing “the wedding is off,” fielding calls and quenching rumors as to “why?” Notice, “the wedding ceremony is off,” not the marriage. To be honest, there was never going to be a marriage anyway and at least one or both came to that conclusion before the wedding date. Unfortunately, many become so focused on wedding plans that they neglect to prepare for the marriage. For every hour spent on purposeful wedding plans – barely one second is spent investing in preparing for the marriage.
According to Bride's Magazine, Regina Glasing, Director of the Saints Healthy Marriage Program, states “the average cost of a wedding for 200 guests and five attendants is $19,104. The average time spent planning is approximately 1.5 years. Most couples don't plan for the marriage with the same excitement or detail. Currently 25% of couples planning wedding attend pre-marital counseling to prepare for the future of the marriage, average cost $200.00.”
WHAT TO DO
As we Re-Think marriage I offer three challenges:
PRE-MARITAL EDUCATION
Pre-martial education is what a couple should take to ensure marriage is the next logical step for their relationship. Many couples don’t have the skill necessary to make these decisions and stick by them. Couples, when considering the word “marriage” need trained marriage coaches to serve as brokers of communication, conflict management and agents of compromise.
For instance, most couples before their wedding will agree that their desire is for a strong sexual relationship in marriage, but what does that mean? What is “strong” for one may not be for the other? For a woman a “strong” sexual relationship may mean 2-3 times per week, but for a man could mean 2-3 times per day. Both do agree that they want a “strong” sex life but the two may not define “strong” the same way which could cause marital strain
MARRIAGE ANNOUNCMENTS
All marriage announcements should be placed on hold until each couple completes pre-martial education. Now this could get tough because couples don’t like to wait. In many cases the urgency of a wedding is due to pregnancy. Couples don’t want their future baby to be able to calculate that their birth preceded their parents’ wedding.
The church’s responsibility is to ensure the couple is ready for marriage. After transparent pre-marital education takes place the couple should have a clear understanding as to if the person they have been in education with is “the one.” If not, they are able to dissolve the relationship within the privacy of a session without having to answer embarrassing questions.
NO PRE-MARTIAL EDUCATION – NO WEDDING AT THE CHURCH
Now, I understand, many couples will seek ways to circumvent pre-martial education because they believe they know each other better than anyone else. Don’t believe them. Remember, 50% of all weddings end in divorce and the church is responsible for 80% of the divorcees.
The church must take a stance. No marital education - no wedding at the church facility and no clergy – paid or volunteer – will participate in the wedding ceremony. Additionally, no leaders in the church should participate in such a wedding and the repercussions for doing so will be immediate termination of ministerial duties. These thoughts, I know, are radical but necessary if we are to re-think marriage.
CLOSING
In the end, the church can no longer be complicit with letting the church building become a wedding factory. The church was called to unite people in Holy Matrimony. There is nothing holy about two people getting married who are not prepared for it, much less, barely understanding the marital expectations of their future spouse.
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