For the benefit of this article the word VOW is synonymous with the word OATH.
“I made vows on our wedding day and I am going to stick to them!” shouted a married woman who was willing to forgive her husband for his transgression. Her husband replied, “You didn’t make vows to me, you did just like I did – repeated what someone told us to say. You didn’t understand what you were saying to me any more than I believed everything I was told to recite.”
Needless to say, this couple became separated in marriage and then divorced in less than 2 years, but why? This same couple had been together in a relationship for 4 years, engaged for 8 months and the first 11 months of marriage were pretty stable. Why did the wheels on this marriage bus flatten?
The answer is easy – the two had a wedding and thought the exchanging of rings and vows constituted marriage. There was one glaring problem – the two were never instructed on what those vows represented prior to reciting them and, as a result, those same two were never in agreement as to how they should be lived out.
What about those couples who write and recite their own vows? These couples are growing in number but many times place their efforts into writing their vows for purposes of moving the hearts of their wedding guests and the momentary excitement of their future spouse. Hardly ever are these, albeit poetic, vows livable.
For instance, a woman may vow to her future husband “Where you go – I will go. Where you lay – I will lay. Where you die – I will die. I trust you with my whole life both now and forever. This I pledge to you.” Shortly after the marriage, he is laid off from his job and a new job opportunity to work for a reputable company is set before him, the caveat being it would require their relocating cross country, and herein does the conflict begin. The wife’s parents are aged and sickly and currently live only 10 minutes away. The children are accustomed to their current living environment and are in local elementary school s. Additionally, she had just received a promotion on her job and it has assisted their family in reducing their debt. Her job will not transfer, the children would require enrolling in new schools and her parents don’t like the idea of the children moving so far away from them. Considering all of these issues, she refuses to “go.” Needless to say, within the year they’ve separated and the following year their marriage dissolves in divorce.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN
When couples are prepared to enter marriage it is important that the vows they make to one another make sense to each other – FIRST. To say a vow is to understand the “what’s, why’s, and how’s” and under what circumstances or conditions.
For instance, is it wrong for a couple to agree up front that they vow to be with each other in marriage except there be the occurrence of adultery, domestic violence, pedophilia or down low tendencies? Under normal circumstances, the casual observer will suggest this marriage will not be successful because the two are placing “conditions” on it. What the casual observer neglects to see is– all successful marriages DO have conditions, however, external influences often promote their suppression. Couples must be trained in proper conflict resolution techniques in order to properly address their concerns and understand the acceptable boundaries which would necessitate their parting ways. This act is necessary to ensure couples comprehend the boundaries that will lead to “irreconcilable differences.”
WHAT TO DO
As we re-think marriage I offer three challenges regarding the exchanging of vows.
REVIEW THE VOWS BEFOREHAND
Couples need to be mentored in the vows they will recite. A copy of the vows should be provided for the couple to read in advance. Allowing them to meditate on the phrases they will recite will promote intimacy and a sense of ownership. Finally, it prepares the two for what they will say on their wedding day.
QUESTION THE VOWS WITH A PROFESSIONAL MARRIAGE EDUCATOR
Although a Marriage Educator (ME) and a Marriage Counselor (MC) are very different (ME trained in programs and skills) (MC degreed by an accredited institution) for this portion either are acceptable. The choice will depend on the couple’s financial abilities and comfort.
The couple should be allowed to ask questions regarding their vows to a marriage mentor without prejudice. Questions such as “What does ‘until death do us part mean’?” Or the big one, what does it mean to “obey?”
In some cases the couple may need a session whereby they are asking each other questions regarding the meaning of their vows. What is heard by one may not translate into the same for another. Understanding the vows prior to reciting them is paramount.
WRITE AN INTERPRETIVE ESSAY ON YOUR VOWS
Every couple should be able to write out an interpretation of the vows they are going to be reciting to ensure their future spouse understands what they mean. This will allow the couple time to reflect on the interpretation of the vow while also reflecting on whether their future spouse is able and willing to uphold those conditions in marriage.
People hate writing assignments, but so what – this is marriage we are talking about and it is necessary. This is a simple task compared to the future that lies ahead. It is widely known that what is able to be penned is often what is also able to be contemplated and this is the goal. By the time the couple is prepared to exchange vows – they not only KNOW what it is they are willing to commit to but their future spouse is also without doubt in UNDERSTANDING the conditions necessary for a healthy marriage.
CONCLUSION
In the end, couples must have a better understanding of what is most important in order to promote and sustain a healthy marriage. The exchanging of vows can best begin this process but in itself must be introduced with a purpose prior to any wedding announcement. It is at this point in marriage education where the two are most equipped to make a sound decision on whether marriage to one another is the next logical step.
Next week - Way #4: RE-THINK MARITAL SEX EXPECTATIONS
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