Most men in the United States of America actually enjoy watching ESPN, unfortunately, many women in America don't understand that ESPN is not ESP.
It is well known that most women communicate with touch. Unfortunately, many men in America forget that the touch she wants will not arouse him sexually. I’m sure these comments have just caused some readers to tune out.
Communication is occurring every waking moment, the problem becomes – does the person being communicated to understand the message(s) sent by the communicator? Just because a thought is clear to the communicator that doesn’t mean it was equally clear to the person receiving the communication.
COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS
Men and women communicate differently and when it comes to relationships, in many ways, the communication becomes even more difficult to decipher. A reason why communication is hard to decipher is most men concentrate on male-dominated communication until they are married. Meaning, they understand and care about the communication towards and from their male species because this is where life is natural, comfortable and accepted - this could also be said for women.
Women know how to communicate with other women almost flawlessly. A head tilt, an eyebrow raised, a glance up and then back down – all speak without a single word exchange.
Men and women communicate verbally, non-verbally and physically. Although this communication is typically the same, the manifestation of operation between the sexes is often drastically different.
It can be argued that arguments actually are the educational field for couple’s communication. However, if couples do not understand the communication rules of engagement, the stress of an argument can overwhelm the value of the communication.
THE ARGUMENT - FIGHT DILEMMA
Arguments are very different from fights. In a fight, there are no rules and no purpose other than winning. This happens many times in marital relationships when someone in the conversation would rather win the fight than settle for facts and truth. Fights are, typically, based on emotions and quick observations; they are not rooted in truth but personal reflex.
Arguments, on the other hand, do have rules where truth is the desired resolve. Arguments are often constructive and no one is bullied, put down nor given the silent treatment afterwards. As a matter of fact, when a couple is in an argument for the purposes of being a better spouse to the other, the after effects of the argument always leads to powerful intimacy.
What is often unspoken of but is detrimental to a couple’s ability to effectively communicate is when one individual prepares what he/she is going to say next in an argument while half-heartedly listening to their spouse or significant other speak - this is a definite set up for a fight. Many couples engage in this behavior in the heat of a conversation. While one individual is speaking the other prepares their rebuttal. While they are preparing their response, their ability to listen is immediately thwarted. As soon as their partner takes a pause, they jump right in with what they were thinking. The problem is they have not adequately heard what the other has communicated.
This kind of ill-communication can go on for hours, days and month. The end result being a relationship whereby one or both are led to believe communication just isn’t working. As long as the communication is a fight – the communication will not work. The winner of the fight will feel good temporarily but the loser will be awaiting their next opportunity to win a fight.
WHAT TO DO
As we re-think marriage I offer three challenges regarding communication.
PRE-MARITAL COMMUNICATION DRILLS
When a couple decides that marriage is the next logical step for their relationship it cannot be assumed they already know how to communicate.
A marriage educator should take the time to create natural scenarios with the engaged to married couple to determine whether their communication of choice is an argument or fight. They are responsible, like a referee, to interject into the conversation when there is a violation. And, like a coach, take the violator aside to provide some insight as to how they can properly engage their future spouse.
Couples should have drills that consist of having one person making a statement and the listener repeating what was stated with same tonality and verbal inflections. This is a very important drill for the couple because people often don’t respond to what was actually said in a fight, they respond to what they “think they heard.”
MARITAL SAFE DATES
It is highly unlikely that a couple, who is truly in love and compatible, will humiliate one another in public. Safe dates is one answer to getting the conversation out of the intimacy of the home and safely into a public setting.
Safe Dates are the answer to daily fighting. Just think, the average person never wants to be wrong, so in a 30 day period they will desire to be right all 30 days. The problem is that in order to be right for 30 days – it will have to be at the expense of your spouse being wrong for 30 days. If nothing else, this kind of behavior destroys one’s psyche and stifles their motivation.
On Safe Dates the couple agrees to limit all negative conversation regarding one another to two days per week – thereby making the other five days safe days. During the safe days, couples can secretly write down what displeased them about their companion, but they are restricted from responding to it or sharing it aloud to anyone else. As a matter of fact, their demeanor must continue to be loving and pleasant. On the day of discussion the couple agrees where to meet for the purposes of discussing the issues they remembered or have written down.
The couple agrees to meet in public - like a local coffeehouse, café, book store, park, etc. – and the timeframe for the meeting is only one hour. An additional twist is – each individual gets 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to speak. They choose who will go first and then the public date begins.
Following the two 30 minutes dating segments – the couple discovers they must pair down what is on their lists and what is in their memory to the issues that are most relevant. Here is the where the genius of Safe Dates rest, in 30 minutes a person will be unable to share all that might have peeved them in the last few days.
In many relationships couples operate as if they have rights to complain about every little issue that comes to their mind. This is sure to destroy a relationship quickly. With Safe Dates the unnecessary must give way to the necessary and is tempered by the neutral environment that breeds proper hearing for proper hearing for both individuals.
NO NEGATIVE CONVERSATIONS IN THE BEDROOM
Women have memories like elephants – they remember everything! Listen up men, for this is more of a point for you, don’t have negative conversations with your wife in your bedroom, the place where you sleep and are intimate.
When a woman has a negative conversation she visually connects the conversation with items in her environment.
Walk with me – A husband is engaged with proper intimacy with his wife –they are connecting, they are one and in love. Then, all of a sudden, she zones out! She is physically there, but she has mentally checked out. What has happened?
While she was having a sexually satisfying time with her husband –she looked over and saw an item that reminded her of the last time she and her husband had an intense verbal fight. She tries to shake it out her head for the sake of the sexual experience, but the more she seeks to block it out the more memories of the fight emerge. Granted, her husband may never have touched an item in the room however in her mind she has envisioned him assaulting her with them. It did not actually happen, but the effects of the fight impacts her ability to remain engaged, resulting in her resigning herself to just letting him “get his.”
In the bedroom, you will do yourself much good by keeping negative conversations at bay.
CONCLUSION
In the end, communication is necessary, but not created equal. Men must prepare to communicate differently if they are to please their female counterpart and vice versa. Women must take the time, when their male companion agrees, to share what best ways communication can be translated into love and vice versa.
Couples should be provided all the possible techniques available for healthy communication prior to marriage and before a serious relationship is ever entered.
Next week - Way #6: RE-THINK THE BIG-BONED & MULTIPLE BABIES EXCUSE
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