Herman Cain's Wife, Gloria Cain, Missing from Book Tour, Says He "Wants to Keep Her Alive to Hold Bible" at Swearing In

Herman Cain's wife, Gloria Cain, conspicuously missing from campaign trail, AKA book tour, says he "wants to keep her alive so she can hold the Bible when they swear me in," when donkeys fly.

Herman & Gloria Cain

Unlike Mitt Romney and Rick Perry's wives, Ann Romney & Anita Perry, we haven't seen or heard peep out of "black American" Herman Cain's wife, Gloria. His excuse on "Meet the Press" when asked about her noticeable absence is that "My wife and I, we have a family life, and she is maintaining the calmness and the tranquility of that family life." Um really Herman? Since he's the GOP presidential "front-runner," though we are not clear on his message or why he should be taken serious by American voters as a viable candidate, we would expect to see his wife a few times on the campaign trail. Wait, did I say campaign trail? I meant to say his book tour.

What family life? Aren't Herman Cain's kids grown? He said he expects she'll make an appearance with him around Thanksgiving. Er, that's a long time in politics and he may fall out of favor with the American people, especially if he keeps cracking so-called jokes like the electrified border fence he promised to stem illegal immigration on the U.S-Mexico border. Cain also said "campaigns can be grueling, and I like my wife. I want to keep her alive so she can hold that Bible when they swear me in a president." That would be when donkeys fly, but keep dreaming. That was another poor joke, but let's keep counting. They are bound to continue adding up.

So who is Gloria Cain? The two were wed June 1968 and have two kids -- Vincent and Melanie. They met while he attended Morehouse College and she, nee Gloria Etchison, was a freshman at Morris Brown. Mrs. Cain has spent most of her life as a homemaker, a role which her husband has defended. Nothing wrong with that, but we have gotten used to some tough first ladies in recent years, such as Hillary Clinton, Laura Bush and Michelle Obama. Mrs. Cain wouldn't be the traditional politician's wife. He bragged about her Southern cooking in his book -- fork-tender roast, collard greens, green beans, candied yams, hand-shucked corn and homemade cornbread. Wow, this sounds a little like Aunt Jemima to me. Surely there must be more to Mrs. Cain than cooking! Could it be she's being the submissive wife like Michele Bachmann talks about in her relationship with Marcus Bachmann?

You see, I can understand Newt Gingrich keeping his third wife, Callista Gingrich, who looks like she has more plastic in her than a Tonka truck, off the campaign trail, since she is a reminder of their six year adulterous relationship while he was married to his second wide. That also occurred during a time when he also pressed for the impeachment of then-president Bill Clinton over his adulterous relationship with intern Monica Lewinsky. Talk about hypocrisy. Plus, there was that dust-up with their humongous line of credit at Tiffany's. Who would really want to see Newt's wife? I wish he would keep her at home instead of parading her around like they are in such a committed relationship. Puhleeze!