Cutting straight to the chase – Cortisol! This is a term you must know, even at the rudimentary level as we consider the differences between men and women.
Cortisol, also known as the stress hormone, is just that – a hormone in both men and women that affects Oxytocin (in women) and Testosterone (in men), but knowledge of how all this affects the genders differently is helpful for the institution of marriage.
FOR WOMEN
When a woman has high levels of the hormone Cortisol it has a tendency to affect her hormone Oxytocin. For women, the Oxytocin hormone impacts their sense of peace and calmness. Known also as the “cuddle hormone,” Oxytocin in women is dwarfed when there are high levels of Cortisol in their systems.
High levels of Cortisol in women are compensated naturally in two simple ways: Talking and Cuddling.
As a woman’s cortisol levels become high the more stressed out she will become. What is the reason for this? The appearance of cortisol lowers her Oxytocin levels. To increase her oxytocin levels (and thereby dwarf her cortisol levels) a women will begin, without warning, to talk excessively. This may be problematic for a man, at first, but let me tell you – when oxytocin levels are increased in women their sexual desires correspondingly increase. Oh yeah, talking – for women – helps them to “WANT TO” as it relates to passionate lovemaking.
Here is a sure fire way to know your woman is stressed, ask her about her day. The length of her response will be the telltale sign of whether or not she is in stress. If stressed, she will begin her conversation from the moment she arose that morning until the moment just prior to your inquiry. She’ll express what went wrong with her hairstyle, make-up application difficulties, clothing fiascos, co-worker drama, unrealistic boss expectations, and everything in between.
Men, you simply asked about her day and before you know it– you are already exhausted and ready for her to just SHUT UP. But...
She needs to talk in order to increase her Oxytocin levels and decrease her Cortisol levels. When she is debriefing about her day, she is actually de-stressing herself and she will, in turn, develop natural affections for the person who helps her do so.
Another quick way to determine when a woman is stressed and therefore Oxytocin deficient – she will get cuddly.
Men, Its Monday Night and you’re trying to watch the game in she walks– sits next to you, rubs her skin next to yours, lays her head on your shoulder, starts to rub you or moves your hand to rub her. (In a non-sexual place) She begins to readjust your comfortable seating arrangement and, without words, expects you allow her to remain there undisturbed, regardless of whether or not you desire to cheer on your team.
For the most part, men don’t have a clue, hormonally, of what is going on with their women so they are quick to determine the woman is clinging in order to interrupt the game and is doing so on purpose. Many men at this point, because they are unlearned, will request their lady to“…Go somewhere…I’m trying to watch the game.” Big mistake…
FOR MEN
The Cortisol hormone affects male testosterone very differently. When Testosterone levels in men are high they are confident and on top of the world, momentarily. When Testosterone levels in men are low it is because Cortisol levels are high – this leads to feelings of stress. By nature men will seek to replace their low Testosterone in two ways – visual sexual stimulation and sugar.
Let’s start with sugar.
When men’s testosterone levels are low they will begin to desire sugar. Snacks, sodas, gum all seem plausible in an effort to get a much needed sugar rush. Sugar naturally helps a man increase his Testosterone levels and decrease his Cortisol. The problem arises when that man’s physical health is impacted by the increased levels of sugar. If he is not a physically active person the increase in sugar intake will cause great health risks. Nonetheless, when cortisol levels are high in a man – sugar becomes an immediate form of gratification.
A very health conscious man or a man on a very strict diet may be able to ward off the cravings for unhealthy sugar selections in exchange for natural and healthy ones. However, there is still no escaping the physiological need to lower Cortisol levels and increase Testosterone levels. If sugar will not do it – visual sexual stimuli will!
When a man is stressed he will begin to stimulate his testosterone with sexual imaging. Meaning, women from all walks of life become more noticeable and pornography becomes highly plausible. Women, who may, under normal circumstances be unattractive to a man, may stimulate him during this period due to a particularly attractive body part or her revealing clothing and shape. Her body type may not be what he is accustomed to liking, however, her breasts may stimulate him during this time. She may not be in his age range however he may still find her attractive visually. There are occasions when the visual imaging may be drastically halted, for example, when a very aged woman enters the visual realm. The man will typically switch gears and opt for a candy bar, soda and chips – visual sexual imaging - DENIED.
For a woman in a relationship with a man who is stressed out, yet doesn’t know how it impacts him physiologically– she can quickly determine he is a male chauvinist pig or a complete turn off because he can’t keep his eyes off other women. What she does not know is that, for the most part, he doesn’t even know he is staring, licking or biting his lips, turning his head, etc. These responses have been so natural to him that it becomes, like women talking and touching, second nature.
WHAT TO DO
As we re-think marriage I offer three challenges to the physiological gender differences.
EDUCATE MEN HOW TO UNDERSTAND STRESS IN WOMEN
Before marriage is an absolute union, men must be educated on women as best as possible regarding basic physiological differences. Many men are fighting their wives based upon issues that, if understood from a women’s physiological perspective, can be a huge advantage in marital strength, health and overall pleasure.
Understand, there is no suggestion on the table that men become LIKE women to understand women from a perspective of empathy, but to best assist their wives in these areas that are natural to her and learnable to him.
Men need to be trained about a woman’s need to talk. When he finds himself in a situation where his woman is stressed and rambling, he has three choices. One, he can be the ear she speaks to and proves worthy to love his woman towards a stress free lifestyle. Two, he can let another woman be her listening ear, but the tradeoff becomes his woman will be effected by the other woman’s need to talk also and this will create circular stress. In essence, these women become mere reciprocators of stress, passing it on to one another indefinitely. Lastly, he can allow another man to purposefully listen to her “stress-talk”, however the effects could be she will fall in love with him and adultery becomes very possible.
Men have got to know that if they are going to trigger their woman to talk – they must be willing to actively spend the time allowing her to talk. No fixing, no questions, no elaborating – just let her talk. Beware, the talking process could be a lengthy one but whatever the time needed the man ought to be willing and ready to provide because it is for the good of his woman and to the benefit of his sexual desires later.
EDUCATE WOMEN TO UNDERSTAND STRESS IN MEN
Before marriage, women need to be educated on the natural effects of stress in men. Although looking at other women or viewing pornography are not morally right – before a woman gets angry she should be trained on how to defuse this male physiological issue.
Women who want an advantage on this issue would do well to keep in their purse some type of sweet they absolutely know their man likes. So when they see his eyes wandering off – instead of getting mad, they can softly and nicely ask – “Would you like this snack I got for you?” And, he will gladly devour it.
I know right here some women may be asking – “What if he is keeping a diet and will not eat the snack?” Great question! On that note, you will need to be more creative. If he will not take the sugar he will take your visuals. Flash him, not obviously and never completely, but just enough to make his head turn or his eyes to make contact. Once he looks, don’t say nothing – just look ahead and do something else sexual like bend over slow to pick up something on the floor. Sound crazy, but it works! It will keep his attention on you and you are the reason he is fleeing stress.
EDUCATE COUPLES ON PERSONAL DISCIPLINE
Although these issues are natural, it is just as necessary that men and women are trained to discipline themselves. Women need to be able to recognize that they are talking more, not because there is a necessary need to communicate, but because she is stressed. Self-acknowledgment helps the wife to say to her husband – “Honey, I can tell by the way I am talking your ear off that I am stressed.” This can be a clue for him to better assist her because a basic need for men is the need to be needed.
Men, although there are natural ways they will go about reducing certain stressors, it is still not good to be undisciplined. There needs to be a consciousness that when a man realizes he is checking out every woman he sees or watching porn or snacking all day – something is physiologically wrong. Recognizing and personally confronting this issue causes a man to properly communicate to his wife in order to remain disciplined and considerate of his marriage.
CONCLUSION
In the end, there are natural physiological reasons why some things happen in a marriage. Our understanding these reasons and disciplining ourselves toward better resolves will benefit marriage in the long run. Men will be better for their wives during their moments of stress and vice versa. Respect will increase and a willingness to be unto your spouse what they need during these times of stress will reward other couples needing to revolutionize their marriages as well.
Next week - WAY #8: RE-THINK THE SUBMISSION ARGUMENTS
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