John McCain on Saturday Night Live

Weekend Update



Transcript...

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN - "Good evening, my fellow Americans, I'm John McCain.

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN - "And, you know, I'm just Sarah Palin."

MCCAIN - "The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC."

FEY AS PALIN - "These campaigns sure are expensive. (She strokes the rich fabric of her jacket's lapel)

MCCAIN - "They sure are. So tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign."

FEY AS PALIN - "And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we're gonna try and sell you some stuff."

MCCAIN - "This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products. Such as ten commemorative plates that celebrates the ten Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. They're blank, he wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates.

FEY AS PALIN - "And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition 'Joe' action figures? There's 'Joe the Plumber,' 'Joe Six-Pack,' and my personal favorite, 'Joe Biden.' If you pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes.

(SHE pulls cord)

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN (O.C.) -- "I take the Amtrak to work every day. Then -- after work -- I take it home. Let me tell you something about Joe Biden..."

MCCAIN - "It's great if you want to clear out a party."

FEY AS PALIN - "Or keep deer out of your yard."

MCCAIN - "But we're not just here to sell products. We're here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference.

FEY AS PALIN - "Also too - sorry -- I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our 'Washington outsider jewelry extravaganza.'"

MCCAIN - "Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can't go wrong with McCain Fine Gold.

(CINDY MCCAIN displays the "McCain Fine Gold" like a game show model)

MCCAIN (CONT'D) - "It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act -- and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy."

FEY AS PALIN - "And what busy hockey mom wouldn't want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin's 'Ayers Fresheners.' You plug these into the wall when something doesn't quite smell quite right. Also too, it's good because it reminds people about William Ayers."

MCCAIN - "Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore, with John McCain's complete set of pork knives. 'They Cut The Pork Out!'"

FEY AS PALIN - "So instead of going to one of those elite department stores with their liberal agendas and over-priced items and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights, why not do your holiday shopping with us? (SHE turns to a different camera) Okay, listen up everybody, I am goin' rogue right now so keep your voices down. Available now, we got a buncha' these 'Palin in 2012' T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear 'em okay? Because I'm not goin' anywhere. And I'm certainly not goin' back to Alaska. If I'm not goin' to the White House, I'm either runnin' in four years or I'm gonna be a white Oprah so, you know, I'm good either way."

MCCAIN - "What's going on over there, Sarah?"

FEY AS PALIN - "Oh...just talkin' about taxes." (SHE winks)

MCCAIN - "Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course, but I'm a true maverick -- a Republican without money. And I'm not like my opponent; my only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from 'The Hills.' So, I'm here on QVC, and like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value and convenience."

FEY AS PALIN - "And great deals on juicers."

MCCAIN - "So when you go to the polls on Tuesday remember, 'Country First,' as a reminder all undergarments are non-refundable and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!

***McCain's "strategies" for the final days of the campaign from "Weekend Update follow below:

SETH MEYERS - "With the election only three days away, most polls show Barack Obama leading John McCain by a slight margin. Here to comment on his campaign strategy, Senator John McCain."

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN - "Thank you Seth. You know, a lot can happen in three days. And while I am confident that we will emerge victorious, I'm also considering a few radical last-minute strategies."

MEYERS - "New strategies, like what?

SEN. MCCAIN - "Well you know how people call me "the maverick"

MEYERS - "Yeah."

SEN. MCCAIN - "Well, I thought I'd try a strategy called the 'Reverse Maverick.' That's where I do whatever anybody tells me. I don't ask questions - I just go with the flow. If that doesn't work, I go to the 'Double Maverick.' That's where I go totally berserker and just freak everybody out. Even the regular mavericks."

MEYERS - "That doesn't sound like the best strategy."

SEN. MCCAIN - "It isn't. And here's another bad one. It's called 'The Sad Grandpa.' That's where I get on TV and go, 'C'mon, Obama's gonna have plenty of chances to be President! It's my turn! Vote for me!'"

MEYERS - "Yeah, I don't know if I'd do that."

SEN. MCCAIN - "Ok, then here's a good one. It's called 'The Charleston.' That's where I only campaign in Charleston, South Carolina. Really lock it down. Meet every single resident three or four times. Or how about 'The Forrest Gump.' That's where I just start jogging across America and eventually everything works out.

MEYERS - That might work.

SEN. MCCAIN - "Or maybe 'The Rocky IV.' I live alone in the wilderness and pull a sled through the snow until I'm in peak physical condition."

MEYERS - "How would that help you win an election?"

SEN. MCCAIN - "It won't. But if I ever have to fight Vladimir Putin, I'll be ready."

MEYERS - "Alright, well if you had to choose one strategy in the remaining days, what would it be?"

SEN. MCCAIN - "Seth, my basic strategy is the one I've stuck with since I started this campaign: connect with the voters, talk with them honestly about the issues, and stand by my record of service to this great country."

MEYERS - "And if that doesn't work?"

SEN. MCCAIN - "Probably the 'Double Maverick.'"

MEYERS - "Senator John McCain everyone!"