Let it be noted at the outset that this particular article is not taking into consideration weight gain due to medically related issues or due to side effects related to medication. With that being stated, let’s proceed!
“Excuses are monuments of nothingness. They build bridges to nowhere. Those who use these tools of incompetence, seldom become anything but nothing at all,” (Author unknown)
This is a true statement that many young fraternity and sorority pledges learn while seeking acceptance into undergraduate Greek organizations, but does this statement also have merit relating to marriage?
As we re-think marriage we must also rethink the excuses of weight gain and the monumental societal influences surrounding this subject. It is quite understood that men are oftentimes more visual than are women. However, women too become more visual when the issues of weight gain surface in marriage. You will hear wives make statements like – “Well my husband doesn’t have the six-pack he had when we got married, so why do I have to maintain my wedding day shape?” The problem is – weight gain among men and women differ vastly as does weight loss.
What most women do not know is– Men do not marry women based upon their potential weight rather they marry based upon their current weight. If the truth be told, as little as 10-15 extra pounds on a woman’s frame can be very noticeable. Her husband, who notices the change, may choose not to voice his concern for fear of a sexual boycott. And, most, will resign themselves to a silent struggle in order to keep the peace.
For those men brave enough to express their concerns regarding their wife’s weight gain, here is where the counter arguments begin. What women must understand is that you cannot force a man to like what he has never been attracted to. It is true, he can adjust his ideal in order to accept his wives’ weight gain, but this will depend largely on the overall health of their marital relationship.
Again, men do not marry their type “to be,” they simply marry their type. In essence, if a man married a woman with a size 5/6 waist – he is going to struggle if she then expands to a size 15/16, regardless of the reason. He might do well with suppressing his current struggle, but that will not dismiss his desire for his wife to maintain a weight closer to her original weight and size at marriage.
Men are more visual than women, it is a fact. This is why there are seemingly double standards. Women who marry are not prone to needing visual stimuli regarding their mates’ physical appearance, it may be desirous but it is often not a high priority. For men, it is very different. If a man is not attracted to plus size women, it will be very unlikely he will view a woman who is a plus size as a potential mate regardless of her beauty and intelligence, she will likely remain solely his friend.
Understand, I am not devaluing plus size women – most are in better shape than their thinner counterparts, however a man who is attracted to smaller women will likely not alter his attraction towards them. Do not get me wrong, he may be willing to engage in a sexual relationship with a plus size woman, but will not typically view her as a potential candidate for marriage.
BIG BONED EXCUSE
The term “Big Boned” is often used as an excuse by those who are heavy or overweight. The idea is that their skeletal structures are larger than most which in-turn causes the appearance of their bodies to seem larger ergo the term “big-boned.”
Please note that everyone’s bones are relatively the same size and weight. “Boned-ness” is not a fluctuating biological phenomenon which causes the body to increase in weight gain. Yet, many use it as their excuse. Here’s the humorous part, it can be deduced that those who use this excuse for weight gain are, in essence, stating their skeletal structures have the capacity to increase over time. I am not a physician but I believe I can safely say this is an absurdity. I am, in text lingo, LMBO!
What is often left unspoken of is how many women prepare themselves far in advance for their wedding day, changing their eating habits and rigorously exercising to fit into their “dream wedding day dresses.” The future groom sees his future wife doing what seems necessary to keep her physique up and this pleases him.
Often couples never discuss questions like – what will happen if after we get married I gain weight and my size 6 dress becomes a 10? Exempting women whose weight increases due to medical related issues. These kinds of conversations are crucial! Ponder this all too common scenario, soon after the wedding, the new bride increases in weight and her weight gain is noticeably different. The feel of her body at night against his has drastically changed, her energy level has declined and because of the extra weight she naps every few hours.
She recognizes she has physically changed and will now seek validation from her husband – he doesn’t know how to validate her weight gain because he isn’t pleased with it and doesn’t want her to think it is ok.
After her special day – she no longer feels the need to be as disciplined about her health and body image and “lets herself go.” Instead of doing what is proper to maintain a healthy weight she embraces the excuse “I’m just big boned.”
The truth is – not even the women who promote this excuse believe it – so why do women continue to use it and coddle other women who use it?
MULTIPLE BABIES EXCUSE
“After YOU have had 2 or 3 babies let’s see what your body looks like, “that’s one of my favorite lines woman use when seeking attempting to explain their shift from a 5/6 frame to a 15/16. Granted, a natural and confident size 15/16 woman can be very beautiful in her own right but a natural 5/6 woman now an un-confident size 15/16 will not be as attractive to her husband. One reason she will not be as attractive to her husband is that she will not be attractive to herself.
Do having babies cause women to gain weight? Sure, women do gain weight while pregnant, but let’s examine the math. A woman gets pregnant at 130 pounds and delivers a baby that weights at birth 19 pounds. So, mathematically she should weigh nearly 149 pounds –give or take a few extra pounds for pregnancy reasons. So, tell me – how is it that on the babies First Birthday that same woman weighs 175 pounds? How is it that she, who before pregnancy weighed only 130 pounds, and during pregnancy 149 pounds, now – a year after giving birth - weighs 175 pounds? The extra poundage (45 pounds extra pre-pregnancy and 34 pound extra post birth) has nothing to do with pregnancy it has to do with “allowable circumstances” during the pregnancy.
“Allowable circumstances” speaks to the mindset a woman determines is allowable or acceptable regarding her eating habits during her pregnancy period. Women often justify eating what they should not or normally would not because they have persuaded themselves to think they are now ‘eating for two.’ The truth is, the baby in the womb is not craving a jar of pickles, a pint of ice cream, a box of donuts, fried foods, etc. neither are they purposefully swelling your legs and feet to render you unable to exercise.
Having a baby is a very precious life changing event, but it is not an excuse to dismiss the need to stay healthy and vibrant for both your own self-image and your spouse’s pleasure.
WHAT TO DO
As we re-think marriage I offer three challenges to the big boned and multiple babies excuse.
PRE-MARITAL WEIGHT CONVERSATIONS
At the very least, the prospective married couple should have conversations surrounding issues like this.
Questions such as, “If you were to gain 30-50 pounds over the next year or two, would you be ok with my physical appearance? “ Some may say these sorts of questions are shallow. Others may say, “Someone who needs to ask questions like these may be better off not being married.”
And, this is my point! The couple should not get married because the ingredients to remain married, or at least faithful, do not exist from the outset. It is better for someone to know upfront that weight gain beyond a certain amount is a potential marital problem for one or both of the two involved.
DEVELOP POST PREGNANCY DIET AND EXERCISE PLAN
Husbands, since the effects are most likely to cause you the problems, while your wife is pregnant work together to develop a diet and exercise plan in collaboration with your attending physician. Not all pregnancies are the same – some women will never be able to exercise while pregnant while still others may exercise throughout their entire pregnancy. Developing a plan helps and the husband’s involvement in the plan is necessary for the wife to feel she is not having to do it alone.
Additionally, husbands must avoid eating foods that will cause their wives to struggle with their discipline in eating moderately. The husband cannot be eating cookies in his wife’s face while expecting her not to crave the same.
Developing a post pregnancy diet and exercise plan helps maintain the importance of healthy living as a family. Most often, husbands leave this duty to the wife alone and seldom does it work. Having a new baby in the home requires nursing, changing diapers, listening to breathing patterns, etc. attending to these issues can often times become overwhelming in itself adding an exercise and eating regimen makes it almost impossible to maintain.
DO I LOOK FAT DILEMMA
“Do I look fat?” This question has gotten most married men placed in the dog-house, but is it fair? The “dog-house” is usually accompanied by the sexual boycott.
The problem is that the husband, for the most part, did not know he was being set up to lie. Why did she ask such a question? Women who don’t feel fat don’t ask questions like this. Why did she ask him? Because she hopes her husband knows when to lie. What a shame!
Wives who are happy in marriage and heavier than their marital weight are the ones who do not ask questions they already know the answers to. And, they also do not expect, should they venture to ask the question, their husbands to lie in response. Desiring a husband to lie about weight issues only opens the door to lying about other difficult issues in marriage.
However, husbands must learn to answer this question more creatively. When your wife asks you, “Do I look fat?” the creative response should be, ‘What do you think?’ Believe me husbands, your wife is only asking the question to hear you say, “No, honey, you don’t look fat!” But beware, she is going to dissect your tone, the quickness of your response, and how you looked when you said it - to see if she is going to choose to believe you. You can’t win!
CONCLUSION
In the end, weight can be a major distraction to marital bliss and longevity. Conversations regarding expectations are very necessary to knowing if marriage is the next logical step. Again, outside of medical reasons, weight gain excuses can cause a series of reactions that can lead to infidelity and outright adulterous affairs. When such things happen, many women complain, “he just wanted a younger woman” – to that it should be noted –HE DOES NOT. What he wanted was the woman he married who once had confidence in herself because confidence is very sexy.
Next week - WAY #7: RE-THINK PHYSIOLOGICAL GENDER DIFFERENCES
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