10 Revolutionary Ways to Re-Thinking Marriage Though Most Churches More Interested in Weddings

Marriages, not weddings, are honorable from a Biblical perspective, but churches are more focused on the wedding and not the institution.

“Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled” stated the writer of Hebrews. But what does that mean? Notice the biblical writer stated ‘Marriage’ not weddings is honorable. Weddings are not sacred, yet they are used to endorse an undefiled biblical institute whereby 50% of the nation which participates will later divorce. And what is a divorce – it is the acknowledgement that either one of us have made a great mistake at the wedding level or has at least concluded as such.

The truth is most churches are not interested in Marriage either – they are more interested in Weddings. If the Christian Church, who reports to be the ambassadors of marriage, operated within the institution of marriage from a biblical perspective, it is possible the Nation’s divorce rate will decline significantly – something that has not happened in nearly 25 years.

The Christian Church is a huge key as it relates to re-Thinking Marriage and I offer 10 ways to consider when doing so. For the sake of this opening article, I will highlight the “10 Ways” and each week following publish a more in-depth article elaborating on each.

To re-Think Marriage the Christian Church must…

WAY #1: RE-THINK THE UNFAITHFULNESS OF SINGLE LIFE

It is amazing to me how single people of faith are so enamored with God when they are not in a relationship but when one develops God then becomes the recipient of their unfaithfulness. There are young people, who are truly committed to God, who abandon everything they know about faithfulness to God just to enter a relationship with “hopes” of marriage. Women do this more often than men, but men –from time to time – do get caught up.

Here is the issue – If faithfulness to God is abandoned for the exchange of a relationship with another – it ought not be shocking when the newly unfaithful "God-fearer" abandons faithfulness towards you. One’s personal relationship with God, relating to faithfulness, is a peephole into their faithfulness to you. The same excuses used to justify unfaithfulness towards God will likely be those used to justify unfaithfulness to you in a marriage.

WAY #2: RE-THINK WEDDING PLANS VS MARRIAGE PLANS

Most people desiring marriage are truly only excited about planning a wedding. Plans, as it relates to women, for marriage start very early. For many women it goes back to their Barbie and Ken days. For the most part – men don’t consider marriage until they are absolutely considering whether they are willing to participate in such a union.

Here is the issue – the Christian Church has not done an adequate job ensuring couples who are considering marriage truly understand the institution from a biblical basis. I would venture to say – for every hour spent on purposeful wedding plans – only one second is spent thinking about the actual marriage. Marital plans are more important than wedding plans and Christian Church leadership must ensure the couple knows the difference between the two.

WAY #3: RE-THINK ‘ON THE SPOT’ OATHS AND VOWS

Oaths and Vows are synonymous for the sake of semantics. However, what good is it to believe someone will live out their oaths if they have never given thought to them before they are actually reciting them. Here is the issue – people want to take their vows seriously. The problem is – how serious can one be about vows they are reciting if they have never been explained to them? What does “in sickness and in health” mean? What does “until death do us part” mean? And, should I simply refuse to say the parts I don’t agree with or cross my fingers behind my back in order to negate what I am reciting? Vows without clear understanding from both parties as to what they mean are useless and will cause great pain when one person in the marriage later utters those earth shattering words – “I want a divorce.”

WAY #4: RE-THINK MARITAL SEX EXPECTATIONS

If ever there was an area that needed more thought – this is one of those areas. Sexual frustration in marriage does not exclude Christian people. Some would suggest that Christian Sex is the most oppressive and boring of all people groups. However, it shouldn’t be.

Here is the issue – most Christian churches spend a great percentage of time telling single people that sex is not for them – sex is for when you are married – sex is wrong if you are not married, etc. The problem is, Single’s have been programmed with these messages (and they are accurate) so well that once they get married – they don’t know what to do. Why do men, especially Christian men, not know how to please their wives sexually? Why do wives tell husbands what they “ain’t gonna do cause that’s just nasty”? These types of conversations must be held before a marriage takes place – especially if the two have former sexual partners.

WAY #5: RE-THINK COMMUNICATION

I would guess that the majority of problems that manifest themselves in marriage are due to serious communication problems. The temperament of a person can cause even the best of communication to fail or be severely distorted.

Here is the issue – if couples are not taught how to communicate while single they will not communicate well in a relationship, especially marriage. Now, truth be told, people are communicating all the time, but their communication is not clear and the fallout can be devastating. Most people have not been trained how to hear and they spend the majority of their time waiting on the person they are speaking to to pause – so they can jump in. There are techniques couples need to be taught to ensure proper communication occurs.

WAY #6: RE-THINK THE BIG-BONED & MULTIPLE BABIES EXCUSE

I know many are shaking their heads right about now but it is true. Both are unfounded excuses for weight gain and most men are not equipped with how to handle the confusion behind this matter.

Here is the issue – many women fail to understand that a man marries a woman who is his “type. “ Men don’t marry their type “to be.” Meaning, if he married you at a size 5/6 waist – he is going to struggle if you then expand to a size 15/16, regardless of the reason. Now, weight gain due to medication is one thing, but excuses like “big-boned” and “baby fat” pregnancy are not going to cut it. We will uncover more on this later.

WAY #7: RE-THINK PHYSIOLOGICAL GENDER DIFFERENCES

If married couples were properly trained during the pre-marital stages of their relationship on the different effects of CORTISOL on men and women – many confusions could be avoided.

Here is the issue – men know what they want because they are men and likewise for women. The problem occurs when men touch and engage women the way they want to be touched and women are prone to do the same. The outcome is that neither the male nor female comprehends what they are doing and how it causes frustration to their marriage partner. Understanding how the hormone Cortisol affects a man’s testosterone and a woman’s Oxytocin levels are important keys to developing a dynamic marriage.

WAY #8: RE-THINK THE SUBMISSION ARGUMENTS

You can’t even touch this subject without touching on Ephesians chapter 5 or 1st Corinthians chapter 7.

Here is the issue – men are focusing on what the women are to be doing and women are focusing on what the man should be doing in the marriage. This is often exacerbated by unknowledgeable pastors who find their only significance in teaching weaker men how to “control” their wives as a form of Godliness. We will explore the details of these passages to ensure truth regarding how and why a woman submits to her husband and what the husband’s role is towards his wife.

WAY #9: RE-THINK ADULTERY

Adultery is almost common-place these days. In the past, if someone in a marriage had extra-marital sex it was a communal shock. Now, it is almost an expectation for someone in a marriage to cheat. However, once or if adultery is manifested – what should be the proper response?

Here is the issue – many couples are quick to share with a broken marriage the biblical text on adultery and how that frees the innocent party, clearing the way for divorce, but is that the heart of the biblical text? Is divorce, based upon adultery, the will of God? Just because you receive word your spouse has committed adultery does not mandate an automatic divorce. Yes, they did sin when they committed adultery, but was their extra-marital sex the byproduct of the “innocent spouses” non-committal to the marital bed? We will explore this more.

WAY #10: RE-THINK MARITAL GROWTH

Once we have considered marriage by re-thinking what we teach from the church – it is our hope to provide a sound growth chart for couples to assist them towards marital content. Marriage is just like child development – it goes through a diversity of stages before it reaches maturity.

Here is the issue – the first year of marital bliss will not be enough to get you through the second year of marriage. Likewise, settling for the first 10 years of marital bliss will not ensure the next 15 to 25 years, which is considered a major accomplishment these days. A marriage that is not viewed as a growing plant is marriage that will die from dehydration.

In the end, we will explore hard truths regarding marriage in hopes to spark an open forum debate to strengthen marriage and to challenge the Christian Church to do what they report is an institution founded upon the teaching of the Scriptures to which they hold to as without error in their original language. Enjoy the ride!